2026 - 003 Musing | Amusement
It amuses me when different friends randomly update me about one of my exes. Let’s call him M. M and I parted ways back in 2012. I like to believe we ended on good terms, if his last message to me was any proof of that.
Through these rare dispatches, I've learned M had grown his hair long. I know that he has abs now. I was made aware too of the time he was in Europe or Australia for the holidays. Sometimes I'm informed that he was dating, or that he booked a hotel to celebrate his birthday. A friend even apologized to me for attending the said birthday. WTF. Lol. I think the lesson here is never ever enmeshed your partner with your friends! Lol.
It doesn’t end with just mere mention of news I never asked for; one friend even showed me his IG feed to me. I think they are waiting for some kind of reaction from me. So, I scowl performatively.
What amuses me even more is the tinge of envy I will sometimes feel. M is good looking, highly intelligent, and now he seems even cooler. Ah yes cool—someone I will never be. Atsaka to be fair, he totally deserves all good things in life. I may sound self-pitying, but I’m not now. I’m just describing an event. I’m proud of who I’ve become albeit more dysfunctional. Haha.
Emotions, specially the murkier ones like hate, yearning, envy, insensitivity, meaninglessness etc. etc, they fascinate me, because they are me. They may always taste foreign in every new bite, like a flavor I never had a palate for but they rarely catch me off guard now. They no longer lurk in the shadows and their presence are more lucid now in this household, like former horcruxes out of their receptacle. But living with them can be frustrating sometimes.